Mylan's Waterfront Grille (Whitehall, MI)

I attempt to surgically separate the three onion rings with my silverware, but the result is more akin to gruesome butchery, the sort that would definitely get me sued for malpractice.

Lake culture is baked into the Michigan mythos. From the surrounding Great Lakes to the thousands of smaller lakes dwelling among farms, forests, and suburbs alike, the fresh, open water has an almost hypnotic appeal to Michiganders, native and transplant alike. I am not immune. About once a year, I’m struck with a sudden, inexplicable urge to go to Lake Michigan, usually when summer starts to fade.

All along Lake Michigan, and at myriad points in between, there are dozens of towns and small cities that seem to live and die by the waves of tourists and vacation-goers that swarm the lakeshore every year.

The restaurant scene in these locales is generally a mixed bag. It’s about as likely to find a hidden gem or longstanding local favorite with genuinely good food as it is a stumble upon a tourist trap that exists to to shovel overpriced frozen slop to indifferent masses.

On my way back from the lake, I opted to stop in the unassuming town of Whitehall, resting on the shores of White Lake. Among other reasons, I chose Whitehall mostly because it shares the name of the protagonist from The General series of books by David Drake and S.M. Stirling, Raj Whitehall.

Here is a review of onion rings from Mylan’s Waterfront Grille in Whitehall, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: (3.5/5)

A profound mound of onion rings arrive heaped with precision on a long, rectangular plate, a separate plate with a lone metal cup of ranch to the side. They are mostly coated in a surprisingly elaborate batter: thick, puffy, and chock full of the intricate and gnarled bits of darkened batter enhancing texture and flavor alike. Likewise the color swirls between dark and golden brown in a cacophony of shades.

The patchwork of batter and exposed onion is another indication that these are freshly made and hand battered, albeit lacking in precision and presentation. Though not immediately apparent, three of the eight onion rings (those resting at the bottom of the mound) are fused together like an unholy abomination, the batter locking them together like a vice, portents of dread for the near future.

Taste: (4/5)

Mylan’s clearly takes pride in the “house-made beer batter” for these onion rings, and it shows. Whatever beer they’ve chosen manifests in a subtle sweetness and a much more explicit caramelization, most prominent in the promontory bits on the periphery. These are crunchy and shockingly flavorful, almost like little bits of onion-flavored caramel corn, a taste much better than it perhaps sounds.

The onions can’t quite match the flavor of the batter, but they come closest when they are more thickly cut, though most of the plate is made up of thin slices. There’s a slight undercurrent of onion taste beneath the batter, but the batter tends to overpower it. The onions are juicy, but not too juicy; greasy, but only just.

The accompanying ranch is good, but nothing special, mostly serving to cut a bit of the batter’s sweetness and give a bit of moisture to the crunchier portions.

Texture: (1.5/5)

While the taste of the batter makes these onion rings soar to the very heights of what an onion ring can be, the complete failure in the execution of the batter makes them plummet as abruptly as a stalled jet, whirling in a panic towards the ground after a critical equipment failure.

At first, the caramelized batter remains fascinating, endlessly folding in on itself in more and more hidden depths and increasingly fractal layers. The onions are a little undercooked and mostly on the thin side, but the artful batter comes close to making up for it.

That is, they would, if it wasn’t for the tangled monstrosity that lurks at the bottom of the plate. The sweet, sticky batter managed to fuse into itself, some crude, abstract sculpture one might find in a middling and heavily-subsidized modern art museum that mostly functions as elaborate money-laundering.

Shedding is rampant as the hard chunks fly away with impunity, making an increasingly unappetizing pile on the plate. I attempt to surgically separate the three onion rings with my silverware, but the result is more akin to gruesome butchery, the sort that would definitely get me sued for medical malpractice from the patient’s next of kin.

Value: (2/5)

At $7.95 for approximately 8 onion rings, these are about standard at premium pricing. If the entire plate was like the first few onion rings, they would have been a steal. Unfortunately, the abomination skulking in wait brings it down more than a few pegs, making me lose my appetite entirely.

These are clearly the result of a restaurant trying desperately to rise above the mediocre standards of a tourist-centric lake town, counting on a good recipe and a flashy presentation to bring it to the finish line. Unfortunately, the complete failure at execution makes these more of a disappointment, particularly at the massive gap between demonstrated potential and disappointing reality.

Total: (11/20)

EDIT: Since the initial publication of this review, Mylan’s Waterfront Grille has responded with the following: “Hi Tyler, thank you for your detailed feedback on our onion rings. We’ll take note of your comments. Your feedback helps us improve, and we hope to have the opportunity to serve you again in the future.”